ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
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Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Plant care tips
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt