Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
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If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru