How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
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Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Thinking about Jeff
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t