Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
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I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
CUTE CAT‼︎
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT