*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
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I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”