HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
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TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
the clam before the storm
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.