I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
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Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
wtf is a larm clock?
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Our lord and savoury.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.