Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
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Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
secret recipe
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
My first child will be named New Folder.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.