Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
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*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.