airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
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[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
#oldknees
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
*gets down on one knee*
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.