People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
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Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
any last words?