Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
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Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.