Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
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A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game