wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
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Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.