Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
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I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
August 8
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?