I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
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9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)