HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
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MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know