Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
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Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me: