If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
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Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Bro what is this
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.