imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
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Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Guys, I found it.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
My boss called in sick of me
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM: