If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
You Might Also Like
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
An odd boast
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Leaving the Barbers like
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
my first day as a raccoon
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.