“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
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[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.