I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
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in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Ugh but profoundly
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Me trying to walk in a dream
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts