9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
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student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
This was my dad’s browser history.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth