Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
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Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
new record!
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
I am all good here, 😂😉
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.