Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
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ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Stop.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.