Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
You Might Also Like
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]