Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
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I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
set yourself free xox
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes