Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
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good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated