Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
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[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Current mood: Potato
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
lost dog
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?