[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
You Might Also Like
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
For when Tinder doesn’t work
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*