After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
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I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
not for long
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.