If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
You Might Also Like
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”