whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
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At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy