This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
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Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.