You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
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my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage