Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
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Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them