Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
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Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
OKAY DAD
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you