*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
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A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
*looks at you in batman voice*
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
*praying for world peace*
God:
How high do the levels go?
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.