Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
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3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Lassie, get help!
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”