i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
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Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.