Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
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If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”