I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
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I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
wow
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.