ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
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JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
reminder
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Breaking news:
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]