Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
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[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.