Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
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Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??