Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
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After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
They say women only use 10% of their anger
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Had a spot of bother earlier.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person