*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
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Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Smile they said.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs