it is time once again
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dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
my proudest tweet
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.