“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
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Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?